I am trying to explain a scenario here. It’s afternoon I am curled up in bed, with pillows scattered all around me and sun whispering through the open gap of my window curtain.

I spent the whole day in my room. Reading, writing, soaring , aching. It’s the day no unnecessary muscle was moved. No extra effort was made. No damn was given. No lives were saved. no music was played. No coffee was made. No happiness was shared because there is too much pain in this world. The pain that pierces through the skin and bones. It is very real. It’s been three months of one sided conversation with departed soul of Abu Jaan . The tragedy with pain is that it can’t be share.

I am thinking about a friend who were dealing with similar pain few months back . I told her you have a wandering mind but you don’t  take caution where the mind is wandering. Sometimes you wander in an alley where you shouldn’t go. Then you come across a chaos that frustrates you. It causes you to unsettle with in yourself that splinting tick that you feel and you end up upsetting yourself.don’t do that to yourself . Focus on yourself . Look for the goodness, sweetness, delicacy , empathy , fragility , niceness, & happiness . It’s not feminism it’s humanism . I am shocked to read this advice given by me to her because this all doesn’t make sense to me anymore. I can’t help but let my mind wander in an alley where I shouldn’t go.

I am trying different ways to deal with grief . I am sitting with Rumi and diving in & out with bulla’s poetry. Some days I hand over the keys of my heart to Rumi & spare key to bullah shah. Looks like without having met me they take my heart compass and fixate on a grant purpose of life. They have their ways to calm my multi-layered  personality. I am looking for a pen that actually works.

In my next life, I want to be a thesaurus or a dictionary .A treasure of carefully arranged words sitting pretty inside of me. A hard bound library copy, hidden in a heap of dust in some remote locality of simple village.

Once my teacher said in P8 “Auditors sell ethics!”A sweet way of defining profession.i am not professionally auditor but my educational background is. However, I audit myself on weekly basis.Amazing teachers!! I have always had the good luck of being taught by great minds. It had been a long time since I last read a book in one sitting. I wish I had done that with catcher in the Rye. My regrets.

If you are a stranger who googled pain and found my blog, I wish you peace within yourself. I hope you fight for your happiness.

If you are my friend I am looking forward to becoming a better friend to those who have stayed and tried harder to stick besides me in my hard time bearing my annoying side & my little foibles. I am looking forward to make time, to be there when I’m needed and to express gratitude for your love wherever I can in as many ways as possible .

Me & Luka share the same feelings “May your pen grace the page at the same pace as your brain. May your grey matter From now on No longer be grey.May you mean every word that you say & may writing your lines be the way that you pray. May the ball in your ball point roll ‘cause that’s the point of the ball & if we can’t make our points then what’s the point of it all?”